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AARON JONES' DIARY

FOR THOSE OF YOU UNFAMILIAR WITH AARON JONES AND HIS LITTLE UNIVERSE THEN HERE IS THE BRIEFEST OF INTRODUCTIONS.

AARON JONES WAS BORN ON A COLD JANUARY DAY IN 1978. AS HE BEGINS HIS DIARY IN THE SPRING OF 2001 HE IS A 23 YEAR OLD COLLEGE STUDENT LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS AND IN THE PROCESS OF BEING DUMPED BY HIS BOYFRIEND MIKE (ADB).

Monday 30th April 2001

Cigarettes 389898 (am highly carcinogenic) Weight 9st 11Ibs (anorexia vanishing) Alcohol units 34565778 (left over from last weekend) Minutes spent thinking about Mike 467 No. of times checked Mike's voicemail 6 No. of texts sent to Mike 2 No. of texts received from Mike 0 (men are evil)

Woke up hungover in manner of middle aged alcoholic neglected housewife feeling alone and pointless. Looked in mirror to find homeless Natalie Barnes style handbag looking back. Am terrified of huge red nose developing in manner of Carlsberg Special Brew-drinking street person. Attempted to make self beautiful by slapping bucketload of Shockwaves Ultra Strong gel in hair and dressed in sexy denim jacket and white t-shirt. And obviously trousers. But instead emerged from house in glaring sunlight looking like anorexic James Dean impersonator. Or kd lang.

College simply unbearable. Due to lovely sunny summery minibreak weather everyone dressed in sunny summery casuals and sitting on grass surrounded by books and ice cream in lame effort to convince selves that are actually gorgeous Italian students basking in Florentine weather eating delicious homemade Italian ice creams instead of pale Irish students shivering in sunny but cold Irish weather eating Fat Frogs. Am appalled also by amount of people in library. Cannot get seat, am forced to have lovely lunch in lovely cafe in town and then forced to browse in Virgin Megastore and then forced to contemplate how will spend lovely wages on Thursday.

Also as in town happened to take idle stroll past Cafe Mexicana to see if Amazing Disappearing Boyfriend is there. Is not however and now feel silly for walking past four times in manner of starving child in winter peering through glass.

Will just have lovely cup of tea in horrible student environment and contemplate study plan for evening.

Tuesday 1st May 2001

Cigarettes 1 (like drugs in morning) Weight 9st 10Ibs (anorexia back again) Alcohol units 0 (face collapsing) Minutes spent thinking about Mike 1234098766 No. of times checked Mike's voicemail 8 No. of texts sent to Mike 1 No. of texts received from Mike 0 (is he dead ??)

Woke up feeling refreshed and lovely in manner of Romeo after wedding night shag with Juliet only to look in mirror to see that nose has become beacon for incoming ships. Am now walking lighthouse and mortified at thought of leaving house. But must. Have decided that goal for day is to find out truth about Amazing Disappearing Boyfriend. Am going to call to house bearing grapes in manner of Florence Nightingale, except am man, and not nurse. Except that minibreak weather has now developed into full on two weeks in Corfu weather and everyone is wearing shorts and little tiny t-shirts. Cannot leave house with pale hairy legs on show to world. Tempted to rub legs with teabags in manner of dead grandmother who swore by Barry’s Red Label on legs in summer, but don't want to smell like cold teabag so will wear sexy jeans instead to entice ADB. Will be fashionable original trendsetter by NOT succumbing to summery sunny madness. Must first go to library. But may just stop and have look around River Island for lovely denimy things for when get paid.....

5pm Have just returned from search for Amazing Disappearing Boyfriend (or ADB as he will henceforth be referred to). Started off by leaving seductive come hither style message on voicemail which then deleted due to inability to sound seductive more like asthmatic teenager. Must stop checking his voicemail, although rather nice being secretary to ADB in manner of Moneypenny, except am man, and cannot do shorthand. Walked up and down ADB's street but could not remember house number as was drunk when visited last time. So stood on street like rent boy or similar waiting for curtains to twitch or door to open and ADB to run into street in slow motion in manner of 1950s black and white movie. However only door opened belonged to old lady dressed in woollen coat and tea cosy hat (despite Mediterranean minibreak weather) who seemed less than pleased to see me so left quickly. Am confused in manner of Gail Platt when husband Martin was shagging nurse and never home. But maybe will, like Gail, find empowerment and go and work in health centre or Rovers Return. Except am not in fictional soap.

Wednesday 2nd May 2001

Cigarettes 0 (why bother?,) Alcohol units 0 (why ?? why ??), Weight 0st 0Ibs (Pointless existence=no weight, Boyfriends -1, Last time had sex OH DEAR GOD !!!

9am Cannot go on. Must change self. Must become poised, serene and enlightened in manner of Dalai Lama or Ronan Keating. Yes, will be more like religious figure. Will shave head and wear a pashmina at all times. Will pray and reflect and meditate. Will not smoke, drink, or have sex. Ever again. Ever. Am strong, confident Man of the Millennium.

12.47pm Where is ADB ????? Where ???? Why ??? He has probably been closet heterosexual whole time and is married to gorgeous blond Amazonian who works in Brown Thomas and gets lots of lovely free Gucci and Armani things and they eat out all the time in Pi and take minibreaks together to Rome and Paris and giggle uncontrollably when they mention me !!! Am butt of joke in twisted Smug Married household !!! Am !!!!!

Tuesday 8th May 2001

Cigarettes 3 (v.bad because before 9am) Alcohol units 0 (yet) Panic attacks 4 (but v.g, because gets them out of the way for exam !), Reasons for wanting to leave country in dark glasses and big hat 30, No. of times thought about Mike 2 (v.g, too busy and stressed to worry about ADB), No of days since had sex 21 (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Am sexually frustrated alcoholic college failure with imaginary boyfriend. Am in crisis in manner of Robert Downey Jr. or Paula Yates or other such tragic figure. Am Hamlet of my generation, only not Danish, or son of dead king. Must stop obsessing on failure and actually study as study is essential to success in exams. Yes. Will study. Will be paragon of study-like activity and shame all those oh-so-smart-and-well-dressed-in-summer-casuals-ice-cream-eating people outside the library. Am smart, vibrant, intelligent Man of Millennium in manner of Prince William.

10.30am Am never going to be gorgeous blond God that is Prince William. Am doomed to remain the vastly inferior (if essentially underrated) Prince Harry, or heaven forbid Princess Anne !! Oh God !! I am doomed to be headscarf wearing, horse riding, ill-educated and abrupt Princess Anne !!! Must study so as not to become P.A.

10.45 Study going quite well.

10.55. Am hungry though. I know ! Will have light refreshing elevenses and then return to study light and refreshed.

11am OH. BLOODY. HELL.

Wednesday 9th May 2001

Cigarettes 0 (can't breath through nose) Alcohol units 0 (v.g. am recovering alcoholic) Disprin 4 (not working) Clarityn 1 (not working) No. of texts to ADB 0 (v.g.) No of texts from ADB 3 !!!!! (v.v.v.v.g.)

Yes !! Yes !!! Amazing Disappearing Boyfriend has finally escaped the clutches of the aliens who had kidnapped him (my excuse is better than his) and returned to me as Even More Amazing Resurfacing Boyfriend. Am irresistible. Am love god in manner of Colin Firth. Am Mr.Darcy. Except am Irish, and not fictional, but still irresistible.

Unfortunately, just as the Prodigal one returns, have started on hideous hayfever tract. Am sniffly, horrible, rednosed, wetnosed Germ. Am not seeing EMARB (!) until weekend in order to rid self of pieces of Kleenex dried and stuck on ends of nostrils.Must not run the risk of losing EMARB again due to sheer revoltingness of self's current pollen induced appearance.

Also, am study god. Exam went v.well. Am on road to glittering graduation ball in my honour alone and blue plaque on house declaring it the home of "Aaron Jones (1978-2078), Young Urban Professional, Sexy Denim Boy, Academy Award Winner, Top Totty". Hmmm. Quite like idea of blue plaque.

Am wonderful, fully content Man of Millennium in manner of Nelson Mandela or Ken Barlow. Actually, not sure if want to wear curtain fabric and 'spek in Saaaath Efriken ekksent'. Or sleep with Deirdre off of Coronation Street. Well, am M.O.M anyway.

Sunday May 13th 2001

Cigarettes 11 (v.bad) Alcohol units 7 (v.v.v.v bad) Weight 9st 12Ib (must eat more) No. of thoughts about Mike 2451, No. of thoughts about Colin Firth 2

9am Am v.depressed. Am boyfriendless yet again. Am cast adrift in manner of survivor of shipwreck floating on bamboo stick raft. Must think positive thoughts and be serene and lovely and develop inner poise. Do not need man to make me happy. Am Survivor like Destiny's Child or similar !! Yes, will be positive single celibate modern man.

9.05am Maybe not celibate but v.positive.

9.10am V.happy with new positivity. Perhaps will write self-help book to help all broken hearted Singletons like self develop new found positivity. Will call it 'POSITIVELY POSITIVE !'

9.15am Although that sounds rather like self help book for person with terminal illness. Will call it 'HEY THERE ! I'M HAPPY !'

9.30am Oh God ! Why doesn't Mike love me ? Fuck positivity ! Am going to be Bastard from now on. Will organise big dinner party be evil to all. Will tell everyone how much I hate them. Yes !! Will be MegaBitch Aaron. Will invite horrible past lovers and such and will be truly Evil !!

Guest list for MegaBitch Dinner Party Mike Paul Dr.Tom Paul Kilgarriff Colon Fabrizzio Chris

Will put salt in sugarbowl !! Hehe !!

11am Am v.excited about Megabitch Dinner Party, although will have to cook......

11.05am Am v.excited about Megabitch Cheese And Wine Reception. Will invite friends too to share in my triumph . Am coasting on Evil wave now.

11.10am Will piss on cheese and forcefeed it to Paul Kilgarriff !! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Will lock them all in room and set on fire !!! HHAHAHAHAHHAHA AAAHGHGHHHAA !!!!!!!!!

Monday May 14th 2001

Cigarettes 0 (v.g) Alcohol units 0 (v.g. but only 11am) No. of texts from Mike 2 (v.g)

11am Have abandoned MegaBitch Cheese and Wine Reception plans as realised guest list comprised of people who don't like me so unlikely that they will come. Am feeling v.positive today. Have new list of priorities.

List of priorities

1. Degree 2. Wardrobe 3. Lovely friends 4. Television 5. Sex

Am v.happy with list. Will definitely write self help book. Am structured, organised young urban student. Have career plan and everything !

Career plan: Graduate. Get headhunted by various companies but will work for trendy up and coming company. Will work in office with wooden floors and silver twigs in baskets and v.cool chrome furniture. Will wear latest fashions paid for with clothing allowance from company.

Hmmm. Love the fantasy office. Will be sexy young urban professional (professional what ?) in manner of Robert Downey Jr (on Ally McBeal, not in rehab). Ooh !! Text message !

Was Mike ! "THANKS FOR THE CREDIT YOU DEVIANT !" (Okay, admit that getting him phone credit from work was sad desperate cry for attention) Deviant !! He loves me !!! Will be v.cool in response.

11.15pm Was v.cool, sexy, sentimental, subtle, obvious all at once. "NO PROBLEM. YOU BROUGHT ME TO THE OPERA SO I OWE YOU ANYWAY". Subtle reminder of romantic night from heaven at opera last month !! Will definitely trigger feelings of love and ADB will be mine again. We will take mini-breaks to Kerry and adopt an Internet baby and call him Sam and ... Ooh !! Text !! Love the lovely beeping phone !!

11.20pm "AND MIMI THE SILLY BITCH DIED AGAIN" Private joke from lovely opera night !! Will be married on beach in civil ceremony ! Will have Fergus as best man and Fionnuala can perform the ceremony !! Will have reception in Hayfield Manor !! Must reply.

2.24pm Humph. Was v.cool and sexy yet again in reply and much excited about ongoing text flirtation. However have not had anymore replies. Humph.

Wednesday May 16th 2001

Cigarettes 5 (v.bad as not even 12pm yet) Alcohol units 16 (all imagined in fantasy binge) Weight 0st (if weight measured in exam confidence) Boyfriends 0 (grrr)

12pm Am in desperate panic. Am college failure. Am university outcast. Am laughing stock in academic circles. Will never be Prof. Aaron Jones BA MA PhD XYZ.

Woke to find had slept passed envisaged 4am start on Super Study Morning. Instead was 11am and must have shower, get dressed, have light (but refreshing) breakfast, watch makeover section on Richard and Judy, and leave house. Which allows zero time to discover how sociological theory can illuminate the distribution of labour within the family. And have massive spot on neck.

1pm One hour until exam and all self can think about is how lovely ADB's lovely grey flecked hair was. Must send ADB text message. Wonder how is bearing up without me ? Probably misses me to point of mental breakdown and will arrive at door of exam centre declaring love for me and will carry me out in arms past all the invigilators to strains of 'Up Where We Belong' or other such 80s power ballad/duet. Mmmm. Love the lovely ADB Fantasy.

2pm GAAAHHH !!!! Exam time !!!!

6pm Hurrah ! Am study god ! Am intellectual giant in manner of Salman Rushdie or Stephen Hawking ! But much sexier and denimy ! Exams went much better than planned. In fact am thinking of offering counselling to stressed out students. Have so much inner poise should really share !! Perhaps could right new self help book called 'POSITIVELY STUDIOUS !!' or similar. Could appear on the Late Late Show to promote and sign copies in Easons and perhaps win lovely prize like Booker Prize or even Pulitzer Prize. Yes, love the lovely prize winning fantasy. WAIT !!! Could work in lovely publishing firm with chrome furniture and twigs in baskets like in fantasy office thus combining Office Fantasy with Prize Fantasy in manner of wealthy, famous, v.sexy young urban professional writer who helps people !! Am saviour of students !!!

Thursday May 17th 2001

Weight 9st 9Ibs (am disappearing slowly) Cigarettes 5 (but okay as celebration) Alcohol units 4 (v.g.)

9am Have just been woken by v.loud crashing noise in bathroom. Am too scared to investigate as could be burglar (although 9am unlikely) or mother may have fallen out of bath (v.scary thought as would be injured and even worse naked !).

9.05am Not scary naked wet mother. Is builders to remove tiles from bathroom floor. Am too scared to leave room now as they will see me in my purple fuzzy dressing gown with belt(v.warm and lovely but v.girly). Do not want burly builders to laugh at me.

9.30am Hmmmm, though. Burly builders. Maybe will see me in dressing gown and say "Ooooh, I say can I loosen that belt for ya !" in Cockney accent in manner of Carry On film.

10am Humph. V.old builder with spotty apprentice sporting a big gold sovereign ring and bad acne.

2pm In college on first day of minibreak from exams. Have decided to spend few days in pretence that am on v.relaxing minibreak in Cultural European City. Am going to visit tourist traps and have coffee on pavement cafe in manner of rich Parisian or Milanian (Milanese ?). Will wear sunglasses and carry guide book. V.excited about imaginary minibreak. May write travel guide self help book entitled 'POSITIVELY CORK !!' or 'HEY !! YOU'RE IN CORK!!'

2.10pm Hehe......or 'CORK AND KNIFE'.

3pm Forgot have to go to work at 3.30pm. Completely ruined minibreak. Am sick of job. Selling hubcaps and lawnmower oil is not v.sexy or trendy. Do not have lovely River Island clothes allowance. Only Formula One Boilersuit. Maybe could redesign Motor Store in manner of upmarket boutique. Although, not sure boy racers would like wooden floors and chrome furniture unless stuck Honda Civic sticker in window with plastic finger saying Up Yours.

Monday 21st May 2001

Cigarettes 7 (v.bad lungs collapsing) Weight 10st !!! (oh my God!!) Alcohol units 0 (v.g. am reformed alcoholic !!) Calories 7,000,000 (not exaggeration) No.of minutes spent pondering the meaning of life 30 (hmm) No.of minutes spent thinking about ADB's lovely hair 140 (not v.g.)

10am Am fat monstrous lard-type being. Consumed revolting amount of food yesterday including

Roast Beef, Yorkshire Pudding, Roast Potatoes, Gravy, Peas. Leftover Beef with Green Peppers in Black Bean Sauce and Boiled Rice. Chicken Madras with Fried Red Peppers and Boiled Rice. Chicken Burger and Curry Chips from Lennoxs. Two Bananas. Two Vanilla Ice Cream cones. Four bags of Hula Hoops. One Terry's Chocolate Orange. One whole raw Red Pepper.

Am now 10st !! Not sure if this is good or bad, as am still skinny and yet have hideous pot belly in manner of pygmy or Elmer Fudd. If diet, then maybe will lose belly. But also may lose life as rest of body stick thin. No wonder ADB doesn't love me. Am horrible Jolly Elf-style being with no body definition.

10.20am Will join gym. Yes ! Will buy fashionable tracksuit (is possible ??) and go for run every morning in manner of fitness guru and will wear sweatband on head. Oooh, and wear walkman. And carry bottle of water to intermittently douse self with in slow motion in manner of fitness video !! Will be toned and sexy. Also tanned due to fabulous minibreak weather !! Will have complete body makeover in manner of Geri Halliwell ! Except am man, and not wonderful, underappreciated pop phenomenon.

12pm Wonder if is wise to buy tracksuit ? May be mistaken for undesirable, sovereign ring wearing person called Pearse.

3pm As if it matters !! No-one loves me. Am unwanted, unattractive, publicly despised, drunken, oddly shaped, intellectually challenged....THING !!!! Ooh text message !!!

3.05pm Hmmm. Was ADB's best mate Gin saying she had met someone perfect for me !

3.10pm Not good though. Suggests ADB not interested and trying to get rid of me !! Must reply and be v.cool, relaxed, and yet suggest deep, unforgiveable hurt at insensitivity regarding ADB !! "NO THANX. THINK WILL TAKE TIME OFF FROM MEN AFTER MIKE DEBACLE".....perfect suggests am hurt, but view whole situation with ice-cool detachment !!

3.12pm Got reply. "IF ITS ANY CONSOLATION BECKY AND I THINK YOU ARE GREAT". Patronising wench. I KNOW I am great. But must inform ADB of same !

Wednesday 23rd May 2001

Cigarettes 0 (too hot) Alcohol Units 0 (will remedy when not so hot) Thoughts about anything other than ice-cream and cold water 4 (v.bad)

Its funny how you wait so anxiously for the summer to come that you forget how hideous it is. Spent today running to college trying to avoid sun by pressing against walls etc. thinking frantically "Do not burn !! Do not burn !!" in manner of Salem witch and despite efforts still have red shiny nose. Am consumed by overwhelming craving for ice cream. Weather has gone far beyond minibreak style and is now hot in manner of volcano or wok. Am going to hide in library or other such air-conditioned haven until further notice.

Thursday 21st June 2001

Cigarettes 0 (am asthmatic wreck) Alcohol units 0 (don't need them) Scabies lotion: One whole bottle

Am single, gorgeous young urban professional with own swanky stylish shagpad in City. Well, not exactly. Am single (desperate), scabies ridden Motor Store employess with own Dickensian squalor-like shagpad (with no shagging),

Have finally moved out of parenty hell to live with lovely friends Fergus and Jamie and am v.much enjoying experience thus far. Except miss fridge full of lovely M&S things and comfort of dust free environment and non-Ebola bathroom. Feel rather like child who has been taken into care. And thrust into Romanian orphanage. Have redesigned shoebox (bedroom) in manner of slightly flaming teenage boy's bedroom. And v.much disturbed by glow on the dark stars on ceiling (only noticed last night and had to lie on face to sleep).

Met lovely ADB in Redz other night. Was looking v.sexy with new shaved head. Except is not lovely ADB. Is disease carrier who gave me little mites.

AARON JONES II - THE SCOTTISH YEARS

Wednesday August 22nd 2001

Cigarettes 4,234 (bad influence of gorgeous boyfriend and stress of exams) Alcohol units 0 (no money helping fight against alcoholism) Weight 6st (feels like, no food!!) Boyfriends 1 (hmmmmm....)

15:00 (note use of trendy 24 hour clock in manner of European!)

Awoke this morning feeling refreshed from lovely encounter with lovely new boyfriend only to remember that exam from hell was to destroy life today. Am not performing well in these exams. Am destined to be 43 year old Motor Store part-timer with €4 in bank (note up and coming trendy use of Euro symbol €€€€€) as opposed to ultra stylish young urban professional with swanky pads in London, Milan and Ballybunion in manner of Jude Law or Marty Whelan. Must re-examine life completely and re-discover Spirit in manner of Oprah guest. Yes, want to be Oprah guest searching for internal love and karma as opposed to Jerry Springer guest sleeping wit mah mama. Have lovely new boyfriend having disposed of ADB (disposed of as in ended contact as opposed to crime of passion involving knife and shovel). Is lovely big Scottish man with lovely Scottish accent and lovely Scottish eyes and lovely Scottish arms. Is Ewan McGregor or Sean Connery (as James Bond, not as ageing sex symbol with white pubic hair). Must retain sense of calm and inner poise in order not to scare away lovely Huge. Must be sexy and denimy at all times and MUST under ALL circumstances avoid scabies and other such infections. Must not whinge and moan (unless occasion calls for moaning.....hmmm love the lovely boyfriend). OOH ! Text message !!

15:15 Humph ! Was delivery report. Hate delivery reports and all their evil incarnations. Must get new job. Have no money, am weak from hunger in manner of Survivor or Treasure Island contestant. Get paid tomorrow. Will stock fridge in Victorian style kitchen with lovely things from M&S. Mmmm. Have only had four cups of tea today and bottle of Cherry Coke (from lovely thoughtful boyfriend). Had no food except Tabasco Sauce, Garlic and Mixed Herbs. Could not think of suitable combination of said ingredients. Wish I was top chef in manner of Jamie Oliver, Marco Pierre White or Darina Allen.

Sunday 18th November 2001

Cigarettes 5 (v.good) Alcohol units 5 (afternoon pub drinking essential on day off Sunday) Weight 11st !!!! (am fat pygmy style creature)

Am still in throws of passion with Lovely Scottish Man after four months. Is record for self. Am v.proud of adult, mature relationship with mature adult (30 !!). Am pioneer for age gap relationships in manner of Barbara Windsor or Cher except am man and do not wear synthetic wig. Weight crisis continues as cannot cure C.E.W.D.S (Compulsive Eating When Drunk Syndrome). Other night ate cold Chicken Soup direct from pot where it had been congealing for three days. Convinced self was like feast at Christmas or similar. Last night ate remnants of dinner from plate in sink. Not good when home is Sub-Victorian Squalor Pad. Must continue extreme fitness and diet regime to regain svelte Geri Halliwellesque figure. Geri Yoga is just not working (maybe because has been sitting unplayed in video since purchase). Must join gym in order to become toned and gorgeous. Maybe will go on tanning bed to achieve sexy all over tan in manner of Brian Big Brother. Although bit flaming. And carcinogenic. Will stick to paleness in manner of Nicole Kidman or Marilyn Manson. Must go as am lunching in pub with friends in manner of cool Man About Town.

AARON JONES III - THE WILDERNESS YEARS

Monday 13th August 2002

Weight 10st (svelte God, pygmy belly gone), Cigarettes 1 (who needs em), Alcohol units 0 (Thank God ! was becoming very Roy Keanish !!) Boyfriends 0 (Hurrah!)

Am alone in world again. Am Singleton once more. Was royally dumped by Big Scottish Man. Big Scottish Man is suffering mid-life crisis and working in gay bar. V. undignified and not suitable partner for gorgeous, talented young urban professional like self. Not sure however if selling glitter spray and hair bobbles constitutes professional career. Yes, am working in scarily homosexual job. Am Assistant Manager in Claires Accessories (however when asked by strangers or potential shags I work in Carphone Warehouse). Am also living in parenty hell with psychotic mother and monosyllabic personality free father. However will soon move into stylish city centre apartment with wooden floors. Is essential to survival and continued trendiness. Have been pouring over Argos Catalogue (i.e. Bible) looking for lovely things to furnish new room with. have settled on lovely white duvet covers with discreet and subtle Chinese prints. Is v.classy and trendy (and cheap) so v.happy with that !

Have acquired new obsession. I am in love with Elvis Presley. Due to fact that he is dead, is worrying obsession, but safe also as cannot be disappointed. Must note however am in love with young, brooding, sex God Elvis as opposed to fat bloated jumpsuit Vegas Elvis. Fat Bloated Jumpsuit Vegas Elvis looks too much like Big Scottish Man for comfort.

Anyway, must dash, have lots of exciting, twentysomething-style things to do tonight.

Not really, am having bottle of wine with Eastenders.

Saturday 22nd March 2003

Cigarettes 0 (vile evil things) Alcohol units 0 (horrible Juice of Satan) Boyfriends 0 (smelly time wasting boys) Calories 0 (Food=Self Loathing)

10am Yes !! Have reached new nirvana-like state !! Hurrah !! Am wonderful, cleansed, fresh faced, peaches and cream complexioned health guru !!! Am amazing role model for clean living !!!! Am L.A. style fitness God !!

Yes have embarked on regime. Not scary Iraqi style regime but positive "New You" style regime in manner of rehabilitated celebrity. Am Betty Ford ! Am Drew Barrymore !! Now that am unemployed, and quite frankly have nothing else to do, have decided to change self for better. Fact that am broke is simply lovely added bonus. Have compiled list so as not to end up as typical unemployed 25 year old.

LIST

Must not spend days watching Murder She Wrote, Diagnosis Murder, Shortland Street or other such daytime entertainments. Must not visit Ladbrokes or Paddy Power in order to pass time. Must not wear shell suit !! (However is unlikely as am fashion guru in own right and would never visit Champion Sports) Must actively seek good challenging career style job as opposed to applying to Burger King for "Flexible hours, Free Food and Management Opportunities" style job ! Have also compliled Healthy Living list !! Love lists !!

HEALTHY LIVING LIST

Drink glass, no, PINT of milk every day. Oooh, also orange juice for Vitamin C and water for lovely Calvin Klein model complexion Eat only fresh fruit and vegetables to cleanse self of toxins and hence have lovely light and refreshed insides Do 100 push ups in morning, 3 hour run in afternoon (lots of free time now...) and 100 push ups before bed Not drink alcohol or smoke vile cigarettes Hurrah !! By this time next week will be gorgeous and successful career man with perfect skin, shiny hair, lots of disposable income (due to newfound willpower) and will suddenly be incredibly attractive to equally gorgeous and successful men. i.e. Colin Farrell. Will be in HEAT and NOW magazines described as " Hollywood hunk Colin Farrell's gorgeous new mystery man "!!!!

2pm Clean living going extremely well ! Have had milk, juice and just starting on water (eight glasses a day supposedly ?!). Will start pushups after lunch (vegetarian broth made with broccoli...might be nice...).

3pm Really need to pee however....

3.30pm Ooh ! text message !!

2.30am Jack Daniellllelels lovely reeebbbbullllyyyyummy/ Yummyyyy loveimatummy. Oohhh Kissy Booys.yum. Ooff.

Sunday 23rd March 2003

Hangovers 1 (not yum)

12pm Ouuuuch....head hurts like rottweiler attack. Won't leave pillow. AAAAAAAAAGGGGHH !!!! Am frothing at mouth !

12.02pm Woke up in pool of drool, not scary rabies froth as feared. Hair glued to side of head like Adolf Hitler. Am revolting, disgusting, nicotine stained thing ! Healthy living regime collapsed like Baghdad last night in horrible drunken extravaganza. Am unemployed, alcoholic, slapper destined to work on Fries Duty in Hamburger Inn and drink Dutch Gold in Bishop Lucey Park with co-workers on day off !! Will buy all clothes in JJB sports and take shirt off in all weathers to kick ball around, exposing my "I love Savannah" tattoo !! Am doomed !!

Ooh, EastEnders omnibus !!!

Monday 7th April 2003

Cigarettes 1 (with lunch, food soaked up nicotine) Alcohol units 0 (unadvisable as leads to mad sexual type behaviour) Boyfriends 0 (who needs them !!)

5.25 pm Yippee !!! Having abandoned Healthy Living Fitness Plan TM decided instead on new plan. Have become Wanton Sex God. Yes am no longer lost in Jane Austen style matchmaking search for true love. Instead have become poster boy for indiscriminate sexual encounters. Yes ! Is true ! Spent weekend in throes of passion (well drunken sex) with two lovely men !! One of whom was ADB !!! Yes, ADB having disposed of silly boyfriend Barry also decided to become Wanton Sex God. Spent Saturday night acting out said plan with me and John the Plasterer. John the Plasterer is former shag of ADB who is v.v.yum and v.v.sexy and thinks same of self and ADB and .... love the lovely lovely Wanton Sex God plan.

Hence must from now on drink lots of water to maintain beautiful skin and svelte 'defined' body. However am not actually defined, as pygmy belly has returned and skin not very beautiful as have horrible beard rash due to kissing silly boys with silly stubble.

However as is case with all us Wanton Sex Gods, current appearance doesn't really matter as am walking pheromone who exudes lust and sexual charisma !!!!! Hehe !!

5.30pm However would be nice to have lovely, handsome boyfriend to go for mini breaks and lovely meals with. Especially now as weather is nice and Fota is open for season. Ooh ! Could find boyfriend and impress him with new found sexual appetite and possibly marry in Denmark and have lots of adopted Iraqi babies called Hasimen and Saddam !!

5.35pm Perhaps not Saddam...but love the lovely Iraqi baby fantasy !! Am aiding world peace and also redefining social mores and such !! Hehe !! Am Wanton Sex God and UN Peace Ambassador !!!!

AARON JONES WILL RETURN……………………


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